Celmisia
by Atarashii Tanjou
Summary: GaaSaku, with brief mentions of SasuSaku. This AU takes place in the time following Sasuke's departure from Konoha, and focuses on Sakura's way of dealing with her conflicting emotions, while struggling to comprehend the interest of the jinchuuriki of the Sand - Sabaku no Gaara. CURRENTLY UNDER REVISION AND HIATUS
1. 1

NOTE: This was made with the song Celmisia by Kanon Wakeshima, and centers around an altered reality of Sakura's experience when Sasuke leaves the village. This will not be SasuSaku, although it will be mentioned briefly - it is GaaSaku. With that in mind, please enjoy.

I stayed close to you, always. I changed myself, tried to make myself more appealing to the cold, distant you. I broke apart relationships and spurned new opportunities, all for the slight chance at winning the game - the game for your unreachable heart. I hated myself, when given small moments of clarity, for what my affection would have me do. And all for someone who didn't care a whit, for a person who left us all behind on a foolish pursuit of vengeance.

I ran after you. I begged, I pleaded, I spilled my soul in the rain to you. You didn't care. I was childish, immature. I offered myself to you. You told me no, and laid me, unconscious, on a bench. Yet, I still remained loyal, pathetically attached to you, who didn't care.

Now, who am I to be?

I've always chased after you, the unattainable, appealing goal, the impossible reward for a long journey. Now that I've been denied, what am I to do? Am I still even myself, or a mere imposter chained to a stone heart?

"You are looking especially ugly today, Sakura." I am left with an emotionless imitation that further breaks my thoroughly-shattered esteem, a sensei giving perverted advice, and a friend chasing after Hinata while remaining an idiot.

I will be honest today, I have decided. "Thanks, Sai." I will not punch him - I haven't the heart to do so, not when I feel ugly inside and out. I merely sigh and sit in our little group. I pay no attention to Kakashi's disappearing eyebrows, or the way Naruto chokes on whatever he planned to say previously. Sai seems faintly surprised for a second before mumbling and jotting down notes in his ever-growing collection. I simply put my head in my hands and resist the urge to cry and embarrass myself further.

I barely hear Kakashi-sensei announce today's mission - reconnaissance with Sand. I cannot find it in myself to care. I am still caught between the absent you, and the current, pathetic me that you left behind. I hide my face and bite my lip to stem the tears building pressure behind my eyes.

We set out immediately, jumping through trees, and as my feet touch each branch with precision, I let a few tears fall. They drop to the ground, unnoticed and unmissed, as we race on.

 _ **A/N - Hello again, everyone. I apologize for my absence. To (hopefully) make up for some of my disappearance, I come bearing an angsty hurt/comfort romance fic. Please accept my humble offering - this will be a multi-chapter fic. I'll be dividing my work-free time between this fanfic and the others I've neglected. Thank you for reading, and for staying with me despite my inconsistencies.**_


	2. 2

_**NOTE: Due to some questions, I figured I should clarify. I've altered the timeline - they are not as young here. They are 16 or 17 years old. Sakura is having a harder time of it, because she's chased after Sasuke for more than a few years, burned more bridges, and changed herself on a more drastic scale. Her Inner self is repressed, although Inner Sakura simply wants Outer Sakura to wake up from her current nightmare. Sasuke is still a sociopath on a warpath, and shows no signs of changing anytime soon. Gaara has better control over his Tailed Beast.**_

2

Day changes to night quickly, too quickly, and we touch down, Kakashi-sensei deciding to stay the night in a small cave near a collection of dunes. Naruto chatters, filling up the space with excitement about seeing Gaara and his siblings again, while Sai writes notes on desert life sketches little animals we see while making camp. Kakashi shoots me strange looks when he thinks I can't see him, and it only makes me feel worse. Once the bags are set out and the fire is started, I look at him.

"I know you've been watching me, but I assure you, nothing is wrong." It is a lie and we both know it. However, I also know that I am a shinobi first and foremost. My feelings do not matter when what I do is of the utmost importance for my village. A faint protest echoes within my heart, and I force it down. _Not now._ Kakashi-sensei gazes at me quietly, wistfully, and finally nods. I continue speaking. "I will make myself scarce for no more than an hour."

This catches the wandering attentions of Naruto, who whines, and Sai, who glances up with faint interest while the scorpion waves its tail and snaps its pincers aggressively. Kakashi opens his mouth, and I cut him off. "I need to be alone. I'm sure you, of all people, can understand." His jaw snaps shut at my insinuation, and he closes his eyes in defeat. "One hour. No more, no less. Alone." My final words set Naruto back on his heels, his complaints and offers to join me silencing as I take my leave.

The moon is bright here. It is a much more powerful light without trees obscuring the sky, but it is somehow infinitely more lonely, the barren landscape swelling and falling like the crest of waves shattering on rough patches of rock. It is hostile, it is inhospitable, and it reminds me sharply of what we have lost. I push back the tears that approach again, cursing them, cursing my emotions.

I have run for no more than 10 minutes, giving little heed to directions, when I find what I am looking for. Dunes slow and collide with a plot of solid rock, several large boulders rising from the area in imposing chunks of sandstone. Cacti, large and unfriendly, sprout where they can, and I take a breath of the cool air. The moon mocks me with its unwavering resolve.

" _Shanaroo!"_ The ground splits beneath my fist, satisfying and destructive. _Again, again, again. Let me out, Sakura, let me out._ I lay waste to the display, the boulders cracking like eggs under my chakra-laden fists, the floor splitting into a chasm that swallows rock and sand alike. I turn my eyes to the cacti. _Hitting these will hurt, and there may be poison. Let's not, Sakura._ Usually, when I am like this, I ignore my Inner, allowing my emotions to reign my actions, for better or worse. But tonight, for whatever reason, I hesitate. I relent, and allow Inner to leave the tiny box she is sealed in.

Instead, I sink to my knees amongst the aftermath of my rampage, and simply feel. The grains of sand beneath my feet, the cool wind on my flushed skin, the ache in my hands that I will refuse to heal until much later, the tears wetting my face one by one. _I deserve this._ The thought breaks me, and I sob, all my emotions tumultuous, pushing for control. My hands fist before me, used to pulling up grass and throwing stones, but only sand trickles through my fingers tonight. Watching it fall through my fingers uselessly, I am reminded of all that I tried and failed to achieve.

Was it all worth it? All that I cannot take back, the people I have hurt, the things I have lost, the time I can never reclaim? Was he worth it? No, I decide, he was not worth it, but my heart still longs pointlessly after him. And for that longing, I wish I could rip it out of my chest.

I do not want to feel this way, but I cannot make it stop. So, as I have done many times before when given the chance, I close my eyes and make the seal and the transference of chakra.

"Hello, Sakura-chan." A gentle hand envelops my own, and that quiet voice speaks once more. "Shall we sing one last time?"

 ** _A/N - There's another chapter done. This idea will not let me go. I hope you are enjoying it as much as I am. Thank you for taking the time to read this emotional salad, and please tell me what you thought of this chapter. XOXOXOXO_**


	3. 3

3

Two and a half hours. _Two and a half._ I've been telling Kakashi that I should go find her for a while, but Kaka-sensei just shakes his head. Sai is engrossed in drawing even the sand fleas, for crying out loud, while Sakura is off by herself. I cross my arms where I sit, tapping my foot and thinking.

I know that Sakura-chan is strong. There's no questioning that. But she was arguably the most attached to Sasuke out of all of us. She'd been running after him for a long time, damn it. And Teme just decided to brush her off. It pissed me off, but she kept trying. She destroyed a lot of important things just for him, and he backstabbed all of us. That hurt me and pissed me off, but it must be tiny compared to how she feels right now.

I stood up and marched over to where Kakashi read his porno. "Sensei. I'm gonna go find Sakura, with or without your say-so. It's been a long time, and I'm worried. I'll bring her back, dattebayo!" Kakashi puts the book down and looks at me.

Slowly, he speaks. "Can you not hear her?" I frown, scratching the back of my neck. I don't sense anything, and I can't hear anything. I am confused, and Kakashi-sensei rubs his forehead. A wind creeps across our camp, and he asks again. "Listen. Can you hear her, or not?"

As he asks, I realize, yes, yes I can. She's singing, but it's not only her voice. There are several voices, two, maybe three, and I'm gripped with trepidation. What if someone else is there? What if they hurt her?! I yammer an excuse to Kakashi and speed off, intent on finding her and bringing her back.

Sai turns to Kakashi slowly, brush still poised over the paper, and Kakashi meets his gaze, exasperation etched into his face. "Idiot."

Everything is quiet when we start. The two halves of me sit side by side, gazing at the moon, our fingers laced together, holding the seal. If our hands separate, the jutsu will fail, and I will be split into Sakura and Hana, Outer and Inner. A breeze sweeps by, cooling our flesh, and I begin our duet.

 _Himitsu ni shitai wa_

 _Naisho ni shitai wa_

 _Dare ni mo iwanai wa_

 _Kesshite iwanai wa_

Hana-chan begins to hum, a harmony mingling with my melody in a haunted lullaby across the moonlit sands. Her face glints in the light, and I see tears staining her cheeks as well. Like this, only like this, our emotions are truly in sync.

 _Shiawase ga hoshii wa_

 _Chiisakutte mo ii wa_

 _Yakusoku shita koyubi_

 _Zettai ni kirenai wa_

 _Shikarareta namida wa_

 _Goji no chaimu made nagareru wa…_

My hold on her hand tightens, and my voice stutters. My chakra burns brighter as she responds to my turmoil.

 _Mijuku de itai wa_

 _Mikansei de itai wa_

 _Iya na toko mo zenbu_

 _Atashi de itai wa_

 _Mamorarete itai wa_

 _Aisarete itai wa_

 _Poroporo koboreta ame_

 _Amai doroppu ni nare_

 _Ayamatta namida wa_

 _Goji no chaimu made nagareru wa…_

Her voice has begun to tremble as well, and we swell for the last of our song.

 _Wakuwaku shitte itai wa_

 _Mada sukoshi saki ni aru_

 _Sharin no youni marukunatte kaketai wa_

 _Dekaketai wa…_

We do not hear the footsteps approaching as we finish our song, too lost in the fragile unity of our soul and the emotion laced into our words, a chain that cannot be broken.

 _Yakusoku shite koyubi zettai ni kirenai wa_

 _Poroporo koboreta ame amai doroppu ni nare_

 _Kamisama yoku mitete daisukitte itai wa_

 _Tsumazuita ashimoto kara hana no oto ga kikoeru wa…!_

A pain from behind is all it takes to sever our hands. As I fall into black, I hear a faint shout. " _Damn it, you bastard, come back here!"_

But even more deafening than that familiar demand is the anguished scream of my soul, separated and held together by a mere thread. _Who can help me now? Sasuke..._

 ** _A/N - Yes, yes, I'm awful. Cliffhangers are tempting to do, especially while I figure out what to do next, although I'm not sure if this one really counts... In any case, here. Have two chapters in one day, with the possibility for a few more. And a quick note - I find it hard to continually refer to Sakura's kekkei genkai as "Inner Sakura", so I'm giving Inner Sakura a name that *hopefully* makes sense. Inner Sakura will be referred to as "Hana", meaning "flower", and Sakura will remain Sakura. The also will call each other sister, as they are two parts of Sakura's soul - one cannot live without the other. I hope this cleared up any confusion to be had, and I thank you for your interest in this story. I know it's angsty and dramatic, but the romance will start to come in soon. #slowburn Please let me know what you thought, and I will see you lovelies next time! XOXOXOXO_**


	4. 4

4

I awaken with a sense of loss, and a wrongness that breaches my very core. Something is missing, yet I cannot place it. I open my heavy eyes, blinking harsh particles of sand from my vision. My body is moving, and not of my own volition. There is a hand on my shoulder, shaking me back and forth.

My hearing clears from a dull ringing to a sharp pain as my assailant shouts at me. "Sakura! Oi, wake up!" That name is familiar, but unfamiliar. It is not mine. Yet, if it is not, then what is mine? My eyes find a face. Strong and handsome, with piercing blue eyes and strange marks. He has stopped shaking me, but is still staring. My lips part, and a sound escapes, bubbling into words.

"Who… are you?" I see the blood drain from his face, eyes widening. Distantly, I note a flicker of red in the recesses of his pupils. That thought stops my heart in a grip cold as ice, and I frown at the strange reaction. _Danger._ A voice whispers. _Calm._ I do not know from where this murmur comes from, but it resonates with me. I know this voice. It is important - a vital part of me, a puzzle piece falling into place.

I concentrate, pulling faded memories from my being. A boy, alone on a swing. A beast, rampaging. A tear, carefully concealed. Finally, a photograph, worn from handling, of four individuals, thrown into a frame of broken glass. "N…" The man before me stills, his eyes flickering back to blue. "Naru...to…?" The red disappears, beaten back by the smile that overtakes his face as tears glisten in his eyes.

Carefully, tenderly, he pulls me up into his arms. "Oh, Sakura-chan…" He whimpers, seeming distressed. That name pulls feelings from my heart, both distress and disdain; distress for the owner of that name, and disdain for this boy that uses a name on me that is not mine. "What has happened to you?" A tear drops onto my face.

Exhaustion has crept stealthily over me, weighing down my limbs and slowing my thoughts. I shake my head, eyes slipping closed. I force them open, looking past his face looming in my vision to the stars. Yet even there, I do not find what I seek. It is growing colder, and my hair sways in the lonesome breeze, brushing my elbows. "Not… Sakura…" The boy holding me close furrows his brow, confusion etched into his face. "Hana. I… am Hana." My eyes slide to the ground, where another girl lays, short hair fanning around her pale face. Another puzzle piece falls into place.

"Go…" I feel his distress. Naruto. His name is Naruto. A small smile stretches my dry lips. "Kakashi. Bring…" My voice fails me. My heart is pounding irregularly, and I blink lazily. The other me - Sakura - is barely breathing. One hand rests upon her chest, the other curled around the sand. I think I see her fingers twitch weakly, but dismiss it. I am barely conscious; I am not meant to be exposed like this. _Thunk._ Another piece.

Naruto slowly places me on the sand, near my other half, his struggle evident even to me. "I swear," he pledges, fear in his eyes. "I'll bring help. We'll fix this." A hesitant hand grasps mine, squeezing for comfort. I curl my fingers over his slightly. "You hold on, you hear me? Hana-chan, Sakura-chan, whichever, both! We'll get this sorted out, believe it!" He stands, determination edging the fear in his eyes, and turns. I hear one more thing from him before he departs.

"Sasuke, you bastard, you're going to pay for this!" _Thunk._ As another piece slots into place, I grasp my other's hand and slip into blissful oblivion.

 _ **A/N - Hello, everyone. I hope that you will forgive me for my absence - there was a death in the family, and it threw everything off balance. In an attempt to offer something after all this time, I give you this. It's rather emotional and angsty, in its own way, but it's an important stepping stone for the next chapter. This is technically half of what I envisioned for this scene, so the next chapter will be a continuation of sorts. And... *gasp* the villain appears! It is none other than our favorite (or least favorite) avenger! I hope that it wasn't entirely lost on anyone.**_

 _ **To forestall any confusion on the significance of the "puzzle pieces", Hana-chan is experiencing a form of memory loss stemming from being separated from Sakura-chan. I've suffered from light amnesia in the past, particularly after traumatic experiences, and each memory I successfully identified always felt like a puzzle slowly fitting back together. Some pieces I had to turn and flip upside down (or turn inside out), but it was always satisfying and exhausting when they fell back into place.**_

 _ **Anyway, I hope you will excuse my rambling explanations, and that you enjoyed the chapter. I will try to upload more frequently - I am currently preparing to go to college while working part-time, so I can't promise anything. Have a lovely weekend, everyone, and thank you for staying with me thus far.**_


	5. 5

5

Unconsciousness is a cruel thing. Falling within myself, I cannot stop my descent no matter what I grasp. Each thing I touch inside myself brings memories of what I have lost, what I have squandered in an endless pursuit of empty love. A red ribbon flutters from my grasp, and I behold the stricken face of Ino as I break her trust and her heart, all for the chance to reach the one that I love, and can never have. A scar, ingrained deeply in my soul, clenches painfully as my hands claw down the borders of my insensibility, and I am face to face with Sasuke again as he drives his hand through my body, electric arcs of blue filling me with excruciating pain as his Chidori sears through my nerves.

Pushing from the wall, I tumble further into the darkness of despair as memory after memory assaults me, guilt filling the space around me until I am drowning, gasping for air that is denied by my past actions. And suddenly, I am alone with only sharp, ruthless clarity for company, piercing my battered heart again and again. There is no one left to support me - and even if someone did wish to, why would they? I have become bitter and broken, pulling all around me down with me on my path to suffering, while they have no choice but to let go, or die with me. And when they release me, I cannot fault them in the slightest, for I cannot even save myself. I am far too deep and damned for that.

Finally, I am at the bottom of my fall, landing hard agains the unforgiving surface of despair, a constant companion in my solitude, the glossy base of my soul, and I curl into a ball, shaking with the force of my tears. I have lost everything, all in pursuit of what will forever be beyond my reach, and after all that I have done, only now do I see that it was meaningless. Only now do I feel the full brunt of the pain I have suppressed with foolish hope, the hope for a life that never could have been. For how can I be loved by one that does not know anything but destruction? Should he hold my heart in his hands, he would burn it to ash, and scatter it to the wind. Yet I would allow him to destroy me, if only he were mine.

What does that make me, I wonder? Does it make me as monstrous as he is, or am I a thing of sorrow, a dying sakura shedding its last petal? And as darkness closes down upon me once more, wrapping me in its comfort, I am ready for it. Opening my arms, I embrace the familiar presence of death, so sweet that I long for it. _I am ready… take me to better days._

 ** _A/N - Well, here. Have a depressing chapter that dives into just how much Sakura has sacrificed for love that she could never have. Because we're not sad enough already. (If, by some miracle, you're not completely bummed by this chapter, please tell me what you thought.) Thank you. - AT_**


End file.
